Grateful for the Pit

The sun shall be no more your light by day, nor for brightness shall the moon give you light; 

but the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.

The sun shall be no more go down, nor your moon withdraw itself; 

for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning shall be ended.

Isaiah 60.19-20

You let go. You surrender. You quit.
All is said and done.
You've come to the end of your rope.


The mountain grew bigger than you can climb.
The path is longer than you can walk.
The time takes longer than you can wait.


The pit is so deep it drowns you.
The cave is a close friend you want to dwell with.
The furnace is too hot it melted, burned and consumed all of you.
The darkness is all over, you long for a spark of light.


Pressed.Persecuted.Struck down.
Love is almost lost.
Faith is becoming weak.
Hope is gone.


Helpless.Motionless.Hopeless.


Without hope, we will wither and die.
With hope, we can "soar high on wings like eagles" (Isaiah 40.31)
This is cliché. I recalled.
Take away your hope and you take away your life.
Cliché again.
I have made friends with pain, suffering and hope that is deferred during the last eight months.

The only reason you and I continue to get out of bed each morning is that we believe this day can be better than the last.
But during that day, I don't want to get out of my bed to start anew.
God promised me of new things to come. He promised me of the SPRING season.
Yet I am unsure to believe and hope once again.
I can't bear another disappointment, failure, disgrace or pain.

A phone call. A job interview.
Expectant yet not so hopeful,
I talked to Him with all the hope that I felt was left,
if there was any.


March 27, 2012 10:54 am (Journal Entry)

Dear Lord,

It's been a while. 
I know you've seen everything: my every step, my every tear, my every spark of hope.

I decided to stay silent. I'm trying to shut doors but You still crept in. You waited. 
You are faithful when at many times I am not, chose not to or decided not to. 
Thank You for being patient with me. 
For guiding and blessing me when all I intend to do is to hurt and grieve You. 
I may have not told You all things, did not mention a single word, 
yet I know You know it all and controlled it all. 
I may seem obedient on the outside yet I am rebellious on the inside. 
You know very well that I hated the things that are uncertain and beyond my control, understanding or reason. 
Yet You brought me to a point, place and time where I HAVE NO OTHER OPTION BUT YOU, 

and for that, I will always be grateful. 
Thank You for the process of refinement that took almost my whole year. 
Thank You for the grace to move forward and surrender when there's no mercy for bail out. 
Thank You for Your presence when I'm at the furnace and being heated like seven times in my life. 
Thank You for the security that is found only in Your personhood, Jesus. 
Thank You for the strength when I have nothing left of my might.  
Thank You for keeping me as the apple of Your eye-for that comfort that I've always rejected and overlooked. 
Thank You for always saving me from myself. 
Thank You for Your timing is always right. 
Thank You for the people You placed in my life to encourage when all I want  to do is get rid of them and escape their presence. Bless them double. 
Thank You for the days of emptiness where I found out that You are my everything. 

Nothing and no one can fill me like You did. 
Thank You for being my Lord, my Savior, my God, my Portion, my Cup, my Redeemer, my Reward. 
Thank You that when I have nothing else, I have You and it will always be enough. 
You will always be enough. 
Thank You for being with me all throughout my winter season and will be with me as I face this spring. 
May I always recount the things that You did and may You always receive the glory for it. 
Thank You for taking the glory out of me and making me see, realize and remember that  it is always and will always be Yours. 
I ask of You to awake my soul, awake my soul for the things yet to come, for the things You want me to do, and for the people You want me to bless. 
I will hold on just another day or two. 

March is not yet finished and I will run the last four days with You. 
I will hold on to You who holds me. 
While I'm waiting, I will serve You.While I'm waiting, I will worship. 
While I'm waiting, I will not faint, I'll be running the race.Even while I wait. 
You are my light and my glory and I know You are just making my paths straight. 
I know that as I wait for You, I am made more faithful. 
You know me and You know better than I do. 
Show me how I should live this, show me where I should walk. 
I count my world as lost to me.You are all I want. You are all I want. 
Make this spring real to me as Your love is real to me everyday.
Love,
Shamdee  

"Prepare your fields for the rain, Shamdee.
Go in the strength and wisdom that you have.
I am always before You."
I heard Him speak.

Indeed, God was with me.
During the interview, I only had one question.

Boss: When can you start, Shamdee?
         Can you start tomorrow?
Shamdee: Tomorrow, Ma'am? As in?

I realized that it was too late to quit and it is too early to quit.


It was not by chance that my boss is a Christian.
It was no coincidence that the project was approved this March.
It was never an accident that she hired me this March and did not defer it until April.
It was not serendipity that the job will be overwhelming for me yet I am trusted for it.


All things are planned. (Jeremiah 29.11)
All things are orchestrated. (Psalm139.16)
All things are beautiful in His time. (Ecclesiastes 3.11)
All things work for the good of those who love Him and does the will of His Father. (Romans 8.28)


March 28, 2012 8:00am 


I am in my new world made of bigger mountains, longer paths and waiting times, deeper pits, darker caves, hotter furnace and overwhelming darkness yet I will fix my eyes on my Everlasting God who is my light and my glory.


I am made new. For His mercies are new every morning.
With Him, I can finish this race and finish it well.
With Him, I can fight the good fight of faith. 
With Him, I am more than a conqueror.


I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed.
Love is renewed.
Faith is strengthened.
Hope is found. 

His salvation is everyday. 
Jesus came to rescue us from ourselves each and every waking moment of our lives.

"Keep being faithful and you will come to a place where God not only lifts you up but keeps you up."  -Joel Osteen (on Joseph the Dreamer)

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12.12